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~Friday, September 27, 2013

One for the Books

Some time after the bathtub conversation, I had a ring on my finger. On my dirty, sweaty, unshowered, kickball finger. There's a difference between knowing you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone and actually actively planning to spend the rest of your life with someone. It's a big as the difference between I should write a book and I wrote a book.

I remember standing in the outfield of that kickball game, staring at my ring under the field lights. The ring sparkled. I can't believe someone loved me enough to propose to me. I couldn't stop the thought. It was there. 

I think that's been my deep, dark fear all this time. I always knew I would be 30 and single. I knew that when I was 8 years old. I would be a late bloomer. When I imagined my life at a distant 30 years old, I was always alone. When 30 became too close, I started imagining my life at 40 years old. At 40, ideas became murkier. I didn't have three kids, but I wasn't alone. 

When I imagined this phantom husband-to-be, he was always wearing a suit. I can't even think of a profession that requires a suit every day, but that's what he wore, along with a boring black tie. He was breathless from rushing around, presumably from doing adult things that required suits. And he had a bit of a belly from too many cheeseburgers during lunch. 

Apparently I spent more time thinking about this than I realized. 

But my Abraham doesn't eat cheeseburgers. He has a one suit for both weddings and funerals. I hate this suit. It's chocolate brown, and  it's impossible to find a coordinating shirt and tie that matches the color of dog dung. If he's breathless, it's from asthma.  

Most often, your idea for the book is not the book you end up writing. The book is always so much better. 

10 comments:

  1. I'm looking forward to this next chapter of yours :) And I'm now hungry for seafood...

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  2. Navy blue generally goes with browns, however, I'm puzzled to why his one and only suit is brown and not black?!?

    I've always been a late bloomer, but I honestly cannot see my single life evolving from being anything but single. I do see many more cute date outfits though, completely decked out with shoes and purses, for many more first dates, which will probably go unappreciated. Life.

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  3. I am a late bloomer, too. I knew I would be when I was younger. I never had a boyfriend and I didn't really care. I knew I would be one of the last out of my friends to get married and have children and I am. I love your writing and I am so excited to read more about your love and life!

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  4. i agree. the book is so much better. :)

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  5. loving this "book" so far xx

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  6. Lets hope you help him pick out a new suit, I suggest a grey pin stripe. Something still for both weddings and funerals :)

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  7. 'I can't believe someone loved me enough to propose to me.'
    i am 26, single and nowhere near getting any man to put a ring on it. I never think about what my wedding would be like, all I feel is fear that it may probably never happened.
    I am however, extremely happy for you and Abraham, gives me a lot of hope :)

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  8. I LOVE this. Hopefully I'll get where you are someday

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  9. I didn't think I'd be such a late bloomer, I just knew that I wouldn't settle. I had huge daydreams that never made it to reality, though. I hardly ever meet anyone that I think I could love and live with, or that I think could love and live with me. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who loves me that much, but I wonder if I'm now capable of loving someone that much myself - too many disappointments. And I hardly ever attract men that I'm attracted to.

    This is why I stopped commenting before: I sound so negative, but I'm not really being negative tonight, just honest. I have a family member who keeps accusing me of being jealous of her, but I'm not. One thing that has stuck out to me, though, over the past two years, is that I wish I had that partner who had my back, no matter what (the way she is with her husband, and my dad is with my mother). I want to be the most important person to someone. I want to matter that much to someone, just once in my life, and to feel the same way about them.

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  10. Aw, Angela don't worry about it. You too deserve to voice your feelings!

    "I want to be the most important person to someone. I want to matter that much to someone, just once in my life, and to feel the same way about them." This times a thousand. I have said this so many times in my life.

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